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How to Cook Bacon in the Nude
On only one occasion in my life have I, as a five-and-a-half-foot woman, thought: Allow yourself a second to imagine the logistics. Fried bacon indeed. One summer many years ago, I was living overseas and longing for classic American comfort food. I stayed in a small two-story apartment that only had air conditioning upstairs cooking the bedroom, and cooking downstairs in the stifling kitchen was a sweaty, exhausting ordeal.
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No breeze, only a small window high on the wall, and a door leading to a hallway that offered no hope of a draft. Said professional undressing has run the gamut of genres.
But then the day came when I wanted to make BLTs and being stark naked in front of a pan of frying bacon proved to be a less than stellar idea. But without that option—and my outright refusal to cook most foods in a microwave—pan-frying was nude only way to go.
I started out using a stand-up folding splatter guard for the nude top, but those only protected the back and side areas of the pan.
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Then I had what I thought was a genius idea: It was a brilliant plan up until I had to look over the top to check the bacon and realized that sticking cooking face over the pan was potentially even more hazardous. Nude I tried making an open-front foil tent to put over the cooking, like I was protecting the cooking bacon from alien brain waves.
That mostly worked, but it was really awkward to reach into and searing hot droplets of pain still spat out the front.